Ouch! That could have been me.

Today my brave, strong, self-sacrificing son declared that he can't wait for wrestling season to be over.

This spoken by a senior who has wrestled varsity for four years and been a team captain since freshman year.  Each year he has won awards from his coaches for his hard work and successful matches.  And tonight, he told me he's done with wrestling.

Oh, he'll finish the season.  He'll give it his best.  He'll be on the sidelines cheering his little brother and teammates, but the passion is gone.

Why?  Because one coach told him he didn't have what it takes to be a state champion.  "No matter what I do," my son said, "it's not good enough." 

The sad part of all this is that coach really wants my son to do well.  I know he does.  What he doesn't realize is his motivational plan is backfiring.  And my eyes are wide open.

I may never have told my kids they don't have what it takes to succeed, but I've tried to motivate them in wrong ways.  Especially using guilt trips to get them to do what I want.  

I've worked for hours on laundry!  The least you can do is NOT throw your clothes on the floor!

I've slaved for hours in the kitchen, please clear the dishes without being asked!

Your father and I work hard all week, is it too much to ask you to ___________??

It doesn't work!  At least not in the long run.  There's no heart change when I get what I want through guilt nagging. 

While I want to vent and complain about how this coach talked to my son, I'm redirecting my focus to how I talk to my son (and other sons and daughters).

Motivating through shame or guilt doesn't bring about the lasting result any parent (or coach) wants.  Motivating through a win-win situation does - but that takes more work, and honesty about where that guilt and shaming comes from.  Plus it takes self-control on the part of the adult. 

It would have been so much more satisfying to have ranted.  But I guess God needed me to learn something.

And you can bet I'll be doing my best to counteract the negative talk that entered my son's ears with the truth about his potential. And guarding my own tongue with all my children. 

Grace & Peace,
Glynnis

Losing with dignity

Last night a man I admire lost in a very public arena.  It's one thing to fail in private, it's quite another to do so with thousands (maybe millions) watching.  But last night, my friend Ben Henderson, lost his WEC championship belt on national TV.  But did so with the ultimate dignity and grace.



Ben Henderson



Ben trains at the MMA Lab in my home town.  In fact, my husband and I are part owners there, so we feel particularly invested in Ben.  But my post isn't about me, it's about Ben.

We were privileged to be at the fight last night, cheering Ben on.  Ben has a lot of fans because he's a very honorable man - in the octagon and out.  He loves Jesus and he makes no apologies for it.  He lives a quiet life that reflects his faith.  But he's got a warrior spirit in him that comes out in a match. 

Sadly, last night wasn't his night.  His opponent was stronger last night.  Tonight if they fought again, it could end differently.  But last night Ben lost.

However, what impressed me most ... possibly even more than if he had won ... was how he conducted himself after the decision was announced.  Ben congratulated his opponent, then walked around the octagon showing signs of love and appreciation for his fans all around the arena.  I've never seen a fighter do that before. 

Ben modeled honor in losing. 

And it got me thinking about how I handle losing.   Of course, a lot is in how we define losing.  But there are a lot of situations that don't end as we would wish.  Lack of a job promotion.  "No" from a publisher.  Book sales that are low.  Rejection from someone we thought was a friend. 

"Losing" is a part of life.  How we handle it says a lot about us.  Will we walk in dignity or shuffle in pity. 

I'm sure Ben was sad and maybe mad.  As well he should be. But he didn't sacrifice honor.  He didn't sacrifice appreciation for his fans.  He didn't mar his testimony.

We'll be at the Lab at 5 p.m. today to let Ben know we still love and admire him.  He needs to know that, today more than ever. 

And he needs to know that in losing, he made an even bigger impact on some of us.

In His love,

Glynnis

Let a holy anger rise up in you!

Bullies!   The very word conjures a host of negative images in our minds. 

Mean girls.  Imposing teachers.  Thugs.  Gangs.  Raging bosses. 

No one likes a bully. 

And based on the comments on my blog this past weekend, bullies are a problem for children and adults.  They are a problem at school and church.  They are a problem in the workplace and in homes.  Bullies flourish where they are tolerated. 

Sadly, when someone has been victimized by a bully for any length of time, they feel powerless to do anything about it.   They are weakened.  Their self-esteem is crushed.  Fear closes off their options.  And the worst thing of all is when bullied people think they deserve it. 

What if you are a victim of bullying right now?  What should you do?

First, I want you to allow a holy anger to rise up in you.  This shouldn't be happening to anyone!  Allow God's passion for justice to flood through you.  God's justice isn't for other people - it's for you too.  Make sure your children know this too.

Too many of us are apathetic to injustice.  Hollywood and over-exposure to violence is a big part of this.  We can easily be dulled to civil wars across the world, and  hate crimes in our state.  So when a bully pushes us around, we don't like it, but we don't experience a righteous anger about it. 

Read the story of Jesus John 2:13-16

"When it was almost time for the Jewish Passover, Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple courts he found men selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money. So he made a whip out of cords, and drove all from the temple area, both sheep and cattle; he scattered the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables. To those who sold doves he said, "Get these out of here! How dare you turn my Father's house into a market!"

Jesus was angry.  He made a whip and chased away those "bullies" taking advantage of God's chosen ones coming to the temple.  Jesus' passion for God's people and God's holiness prompted His reaction.

Obviously, we shouldn't grab a whip and chase away bullies ... as much as we would like to.  But we clearly see God's heart for those who are taken advantage of.  God does not want anyone to be victimized by a bully, and we need to get that into our hearts.  We need to see ourselves as God sees us - worthy of being safe.  Worthy of being protected.  Worthy of being loved.

Once we have a right perspective of bullying, we can make a wise decision about what to do. 

Protecting ourselves from immediate harm is the most important thing to do.  Facing a bully might not be the wisest thing.  This might mean separating ourselves physically for at time.  But that's not all we should do.

On Wednesday, I'll post some common characteristics of bullied people.  If you are a parent, this will help you raise kids who are bully-proof.  If you are an adult, you might discover some habits that are making you an easy target.  This isn't a guarantee you'll never face a bully, but there is something you can do.

Now, I'd like to announce the winners of my book, "When Your Child is Hurting."   I'll announce them by the first part of their email addresses:  aroberts & dksester.  Congratulations.  I'll send you a personal email.

Please join me on Wednesday for more thoughts on bullying.

In His Love,

Glynnis

Do you think I have potential???

Today the little girl inside me surfaced. I got passed over for an opportunity and it hurt.

In my mind, I thought I should be old enough to not have it hurt. Haven't I outgrown the need for someone to see I have potential? Apparently not. It's been there for a long time too.

I looked back and saw a small 6-year-old with freckles and barrettes in her first-grade classroom. She anxiously raised her hand in class, hoping the teacher would see her and call on her to answer. She knew the answer. She wanted to share it. But the teacher looked right past her and called on someone else. She lowered her hand, and sighed.

Then she was 12, and hoped her chorus teacher would think she had potential. Did she have a voice that was good enough to do a solo or be put in a quartet of girls? Did her teacher notice her voice? She stood on the back riser with the other tall alto girls and watched while petite sopranos got to sing.

She was no longer a little girl, but a college graduate looking for her first job. Would anyone see that she had writing and administrative skills. Would anyone see her potential and give her a chance?

Would she be asked to dance, picked for the team, selected for the promotion, asked to go to lunch with the girls, picked for the speaking event, have her book purchased on Amazon?

Seems I'm always hoping that someone sees my potential. Looks deeper than the surface. Gives me a chance. Believes in me.

I don't think I'll outgrow it. I've worked through this issue long ago, so I don't depend on any one's approval for my sense of self worth. I know my value is found in Christ and Christ alone. But the truth is, it still hurts when I'm passed over.

So here's what I've vowed to do. When I have the chance, I will let you know that I see your potential. I'll see it, because I will look for it. I will see your potential in your writing, in your leadership, in your creative talent, and in your effort to be the woman God has called you to be.

I know you won't ever outgrow the need for someone to see your potential. No matter how old you are. Or if you get sick. Or if you are knee-deep in diapers. Or if you mess up really bad. Or if you are unprepared, or overwhelmed, or grief-stricken.

You still have potential as long as you are breathing. I promise.

God always sees it. And if given the opportunity, I will too.

In His Love,

Glynnis

P.S. This is the perfect opportunity to let you know about She Speaks. I'll be there, as the director of the writer's track. And this year, for the first time in history, we have scholorships available due to the generocity of Cecil Murphey, author extraordinaire. Read my friend Lysa's blog for all the details.