Instead, I've prided myself (note that word, please) on being the strong one. On being the cool head in the crowd, the get-it-done girl, the one you could count on.
Then a breast lump scare took me down into a tailspin of fear. For two weeks fear had me in a vice grip. I couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Actually physically shook at times with the fear. It was not normal fear - in fact, I know now that it was a spiritual attack. And I didn't tell anyone - I was too embarrassed.
Through a dream God revealed the way out of that fear - and it was found in the words of James 5:16:
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."At first I resisted that verse, thinking "my fear isn't sin." Then I understood that the "sin" was my pride. My pride kept me from telling anyone the depth of my fear. My pride maintained the appearance that I had it all together. I was a small group leader ... what would they think of me if they knew how afraid she was? Would it ruin my leadership?
Through confessing the depth of my fear, God healed me of it. And very possibly healed me physically as well - I'll never know since the tests results were all normal.
And my leadership ... it only strengthened. I've been able to minister to many more women through that experience than ever. It was another of Satan's lies to get me to keep quiet about my struggle and to keep me from experiencing God's miraculous power.
Paul said this: "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace." (Acts 20:24)
And this, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." (2 Cor. 12:9)
While I still don't scream at bugs, I'm learning that God's power is increasingly manifested in my life when I admit my weaknesses - not just to myself and Him - but to others. It doesn't make sense to this in-control girl, but I've seen God work miracles in me when I boldly live according to His Word - and trust Him with my reputation and ministry. It happened this week in fact.
So thank you for your prayers . Thank you for your outpouring of encouragement these past two days. I've actually experienced some miraculous relief from some symptoms of stress I was having. I'm experiencing God's peace. As I've desperately prayed to NOT respond out of my own emotion and disobey - God has calmed me emotionally so I can think with His wisdom and clarity.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For being sisters in Christ who stepped up next to me in a very weak moment, for speaking words of truth, for not judging me, for praying the prayers of a righteous woman.
And thank you for praying for my daughter. I'm confident God has a mighty plan and purpose for her life. I know she will have a great testimony one day. One day, she will understand the impact of a mighty band of praying women.